Offline Living 101: Balance, Margin, Space to Breathe

We’re on family vacation! And even though we flew out to Colorado last summer this time it feels like a bona fide family trip; Sydney, me, and Leon adventuring together! We had a long layover in Dallas (and I’ve spent more than my fair share of time in that airport), and found Mommy’s favorite terminal (D, the international terminal because of the great restaurants and super interesting people you find there) and ate a yummy supper at Chammps (where Leon couldn’t hardly tear his eyes from the TV playing ESPN, and I felt the same way about another screen which had CNN … we’ve been satellite TV deprived this summer). We read books on the plane. Sydney got to watch Dora on the mini-DVD player. And we laughed. A lot.

Best of all, of course, was the time to just BE together; even when Syd had her 10:00p.m. melt down in the Colorado Springs Terminal (just sat right down at the end of the jet bridge and started to cry, “No! No! No!”). In big moments and small, I felt like my heart was expanding; my perspective reshaping; my mind set literally “un-kinking”. And as it always does, the thought came quickly to mind that time away is absolutely essential to making the time “there” more purposeful, centered, and balanced.

That’s not a revolutionary insight, by any stretch. So why is it that we need to be reminded again and again how important it is to include margin in our lives; space, breathing room, whatever we want to call it? Apparently because we’re not quick studies; and it’s only getting worse. In the fine print that comes along with the incredible advantage of carrying our communications tools, and indeed access to the entire world via the Internet, with us, we also carry work life and responsibilities always with us.

It’s tough to escape, and there also is a noticeable growing expectation by some that you really should NOT escape (Generally, these “some” are defined by external things, like work, rewards, improvements. The notion of a life lived with OTHER priorities must seem frighteningly absent of affirmation…just my thought on that). But add to this growing feeling my protestant guilt and ENFP people-pleasing personality type, and you’ve got a pretty powerful equation for never going truly offline.

When I took my new position, I made a pact to use my vacation. I believe I said something like, “I get 5 weeks, and if at the end of the calendar year I have that left over-shame on me.” Well, let the shame begin because the year is more than half over, and I’m not even close. Unfortunately it’s not because I am consumed by the office (okay, maybe that’s it a little bit), but more that the family calendar just doesn’t seem to open up for all of us at the same time (Sydney is so busy, you know), and then there’s this small problem with how quickly time goes by.

But then I really consider that, and I start to feel just a bit uncomfortable; because in the end it still is a question of priorities.

A dear friend of mine often says “life is always about choices.” And this is true. We always have a choice. Not that responsibilities and expectations won’t or shouldn’t be important, but we need to be clear about our priorities in life (our callings, many in my immediate circle would term them).
So, how do we do it? As a working mom, who loves her husband, her daughter, her career, and her own interests, too (forgot about those, eh? Things like cooking, reading, jogging, being with friends, singing in the choir, etc.) – what is the sure-fire method to figuring out how to live a well-balanced, margin-rich, offline life in an online world?

Here are my thoughts on the matter, and I would love to hear yours-we learn by sharing these things:

• Know Thy Core: God. Faith. Family. Everything else is an extra blessing and opportunity for service. Don’t destroy the core, nothing works right if that is not intact.


• Think It Through: the same friend who sagely notes that life is about choices also advocates thinking things through. Really thinking it through. Here’s an example, a co-worker had the chance to attend a function for the office, which was frankly a pretty cool/big deal, OR take his son on a road trip to experience a once-in-a-adolescent-father-son-lifetime sporting event. Talking it through, he came to the conclusion that not only would the choice to be with his son be more fun (and the work thing was really easily adjusted), but it would also teach his son valuable (potentially life-shaping) lessons about priorities and how to be a Dad. When faced with choices, vacation needs, competing priorities, really think about it. Think short term. Think long term. And choose accordingly.


• Be Prepared for Sacrifices. The truth of the matter is that you really can’t have it all. Something always does have to give, and so will you. Sometimes, that is really tough. If it gets to be too tough, go back to thinking it through. Maybe it’s time to let something really big move on.


• Family Matters - make sure you've got them in your corner. I’m a working mom. That’s our reality, and for many families it just wouldn’t work. For us, it does. And that means that I am a different kind of Mom for Sydney and a different kind of spouse for Leon. Sound like a rationalization? You betcha; that’s precisely what it is. And my family, namely at this stage my husband, and I are firmly on the same page, and so it works for us.


• Communication Is Key and ongoing. When you decide to live life with margin, you’re going to have to constantly advocate for that choice. You’ll have to convince your co-workers that this makes you a more effective leader and colleague. You’ll need to tell the PTA, the other parents on your block, and maybe even your own family that your family won’t be saying YES to every experience offered. In the process, you’ll actually help people. And you do have to earn it, not just demand it. Margin and balance is something, unfortunately in today’s environment, that must be earned. Some people are just plain lazy, you are not one of those people. Some people try to be superwoman and do it all, and balanced living isn’t that either.


• A Season. Recognize that there truly is a time and a season for different aspects of your life and activities. I recall once early in my teaching career when I was literally running ragged. I think I made some inaccurate rationalization for my being over-extended that connected to the parable of the talents – you know the one, where basically the lesson learned is that burying your talents will not earn you much in the long run. I even tossed in the old ‘To whom much is given …” reference. Well, to this my Father (at least I attribute this to him) very wisely said, “True, but scripture never says you need to use all of your talents all at precisely the same time, either.” It’s a recipe for disaster, your energies and investment won’t yield near as much it could with a spiritually refreshed, rested, clear-minded person.

So, that’s my recipe (at present) for a little offline living in my life. It’s a formational approach, meaning that as I think this through it will change and shift and adapt. Perhaps I am being naïve, but vacation always seems to bring the right clarity – you NEED clarity to be at your best.

So, that’s enough of my rambling. I’m headed to the family room to be a tickle monster with Leon and attack Sydney. Then we’re going out for ice cream. That’s the OTHER great part of Vacation.

Summer Vacation ~ Day One!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Full House

This summer, as you all know, has been an experiment in family dynamics (and, so my father who is currently in a grad class at Washington University with the terrifying title, "Oil Wars" tells me, it may become the norm as the decades pass and we Americans persist in our addictive love affair with foreign oil ;-) as Leon, Sydney, and I have become residents in my parents' home.

It's been super. Syd is so happy, and Leon and I are so thankful. I suppose, the family member who seems most distressed is Bailey, but that might just be his 9 years of Golden Retriever life creeping up on him (though he sure does love chasing squirrels in the backyard! My folks seem to have an abundance.)

This week, our full house is totally stuffed as my sister has come to town with her kids: Gabe (7), Asher (3.75), and Rhylah (21 months). Nate (her hubby) gets here Friday, and we will indeed be a massive grouping of Staude-Jameson-Harrmanns. It's pretty outstanding, truthfully - and my sister made the observation that this is the first time she and I have both stayed here since she got married! So Mom and Dad are totally loving it; all the kids are HOME. And until I became a parent, I don't think I could have truly grasped how neat this must actually be.

With family dynamics ever in flux and families living farther and farther apart, this time of togetherness is really something to be cherished. Here's what's great about family all together:

1. It's loud - really loud, kinda crazy loud. This is good for Sydney, who as an only child lacks that chaotic normalcy that comes with siblings and larger family units. Loud means you have to listen more closely; express more carefully; and generally appreciate the speed and intensity that comes with all that energy. It's good for people like me who tend to focus a bit too intensely on the schedule, the routine, and the details.

2. Everybody pitches in - or nothing gets done. You help clean; make sure the kids have dinner; keep an eye on everyone in the pool; pick up other people's toys; share your bed with the kids because they love to get up early and just want to be with you. It's a wonderful sense of together that you don't often get in "normal" suburban family living these days.

3. You make memories that matter - I wish Syd was a little older. Today in church during the last hymn, Papa (that's my Dad) was holding her, and suddenly Rhylah wanted to be held, too. So there was Papa (getting some serious forearm work done) with his girls and the congregation singing, and Kate and I watching them -- and I had this thought, "they won't ever remember this." But Kate and I will. And they'll always know his love for them, even when he can't pick them up!

We all know that American family life is in a state of change. Different roles, increased financial concerns, competing schedules of family members, job transitions, more extra curriculuar things for the kids to do than ever before - having everyone share a space is just not what happens that often, if at all, for many families. It's a total joy to have this summer of family life, and to find new connections and meaning in our relationships with each other. It's one of those "I wouldn't trade it" experiences, and that makes us all very glad, indeed.

A Day At the Zoo!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Home Again, Home Again

It's been awhile since I've had the time to post. As ever, I've got plenty of inclination. It must be 25 times a day that I think, "Oh! That would make an interesting post!" - but finding the time remains the tired challenge.

Well, that, and the grim fact that just about half of what I think about posting I decide I really can't because - after all - we can't be terribly honest in our blogs when everyone we know reads them, now can we! Some of my best observations just need to be launched in a more anonymous way, I suppose - which screams loudly about my day-to-day environment.

Here's the update:

Everything has been an absolute jumble. We've recently moved out of our 8-year home on Almond Tree Drive, and are in the far too grown-up process of building a new place to call home (on Lankin Drive ... and I have to say that street name bugs me, because I truly wanted a more lyrical street to call home!). At present, we are living with my parents on Norwich Street.

Yup. Age 33 and home with the 'rents, and with my hubby and Baby Girl in tow! It's a strange sort of familiar, yet totally foreign experience. Living home again means knowing the morning sounds of the house; sitting in my familiar spot at the dining room table (and of course forcing Mom and Dad - who over the years have moved to sit next to one another as opposed to flanking their daughters - to do the same); and feeling far too comfy with draping my laundry over chairs, my shoes across the living room floor, and my hair assecories in the bath (okay, I actually haven't done these last few things - too much - but I think about doing them, and that’s the point)

I'm really looking forward to the summer. So far, over these last three weeks all together, all four of us: mom, dad, Leon, and me - have already determined that we've eaten more meals at a table than we have in months (too usual to just grab and go, or grab and sit (in front of the idiot box) depending on the schedule of the evening!) We've gone on more walks. Had more lengthy chats about religion and politics (my two favorite topics with Dad!). We've spent time laughing. Watching goofy TV (like the Bacheloerette!) and generally enjoying Sydney. And eating lots of Lyons custard, which is the neighborhood place and I must say – bring on the Swiss Mint Concretes, please!

Don't get me wrong - we all enjoy great, balanced, happy lives in our own spaces – but we're all game to enjoy these few months of being a unique version of the American nuclear family. It's pretty great, and I am fairly certain that the experience will be essentially special for me, for Leon, for Mom and Dad, and definitely for Miss Syd - who seems to realize already that she has four adults to love, hug, and be amused by her.

So here's to being home again - there's no place like it.